Jason Reviews: Zonad

Zonad is a movie based on logical conclusions.  These logical conclusions are reached from systematically thinking in a logical manor about what logical conclusions are correct.  Here is an example.  Tara likes Chris Hemsworth.  Chris Hemsworth is a male, therefore Tara is a homosexual male because she is attracted to Chris Hemsworth.  See? Completely logical.

Flash Bang

While the Cassidy family was out on a constitutional they saw a flash in the sky and a shooting star.  When they get home they find a man in a red jump suit passed out on their living room floor.  It HAS to be an alien right?

What could it be, no, a man in a costume who escape from a court mandated detox center?  Nahh it has to be an alien.  It is only logical.  Just like Tara being a homosexual male because she is attracted to Chris Hemsworth.  Hmmm tangent here, would Chris Hemsworth be a homosexual if he was a Narcosis?   I am a Narcosis, that must mean I like Chris Hemsworth.

Street Fighter: The Movie - A Van Damme Good Time!

Street Fighter is an odd movie. It less movie and more of a time capsule.

All the cheesy goodness of the '90s is captured here. Honestly, it could be a new throwback movie today - like Tropic Thunder or The Expendables. Add it to your Netflix Instant Queue now and NEVER TAKE IT OUT. Don't worry if you haven't played the games the movie is based on.

The sheer awesomeness of this movie transcends the games and holds its own, so don't worry.

Can't have a hero without a villain.

Raul Julia is amazing as M Bison. He plays such a maniacal mad man and has so many great lines. This movie has so many good and decent actors and RJ steals the movie.

If you would have told me he played Gomez Addams, I would have never believed it.

Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan - A Retrospective

KHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNN!   KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!  KKKKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!

Walter Koenig as Chekov.
Public Domain Image.

Had to get that out of my system.  I been rewatching the whole Startrek Series in canon Timeline and I got to "Wrath of Khan" last night. Probably one more painful points in the series for me.

Growing up, I was a lot like Spock. I had a hard time fitting in and I was rather logical. (Still am today,  I can just compensate better.) So watching Spock die was as about the same as watching Optimus Prime die.

"Wrath of Khan" wraps up the eugenics wars time arc and the crew of the Botany Bay. Kirk leaves Khan and his crew on  Ceti Alpha V. Well there was a problem, Ceti Alpha V turned into a hellscape desert planet.

My only problem with the movie is how they use this fact in the movie.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Transmorphers

This was made to cash in on Transformers. In fact they released a prequel: "Transmophers: Fall of Man" a week before "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"  Fun fact  Revenge of the Fallen is one of Tara's favorite movies, seriously open another tab and google "Tara Clapper Revenge of the Fallen."  I'll wait.  Yup she loves it that much.

Class Reunion

In Febuary, I watched a movie called "Bram Stokers: Draucla's Curse" that was so bad I still have nightmares about it. Well, this movie has ninety some odd percent of the same actors. A year later and some of them must have taken acting lessons because this time it wasn't horrible. It was just bad bordering of passable. They also removed the hangers from the costumes this time.

CGI On The Other Hand...

Is super over-the-top bad. Just god awful. I don't know who made them, but they need to go back to school...for a different profession. The robots just looked funny. They should have made less and had better models. Also, they could have opened a text book and saw how physics worked. If robots crashed into to earth like that, there wouldn't be an earth to save.

Final Verdict

Ironclad: Historically "Accurate"

The movie works like this: King James III signs the Magna Carta under duress from the Knights Templar. Wanting his power back, King James must lay siege to the rebels at Rochester Castle.

As an Action Movie...

The combat is actually fairly historically accurate. I was very happy when James Purefoy didn't use his sword one handed like some ninja. Those things were heavy. In fact, you could shatter your wrist if you didn't use it right. A lot of the maneuvers that were used were historically accurate for crusaders in the opening scenes.  Everything was well-paced and could easily be a date night movie.

As a Historically Accurate Retelling of the Siege of Rochester...

I don't want to ruin the ending for you, so I will just say this. It is UTTERLY WRONG. FDR: American Badass was more historically accurate than this movie.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Paintball

While on an extreme paintball outing, the players get shot...with bullets. PLOT TWIST! Wow, I think I actually just gave a rather detailed summary of the entire movie. Nope, I don't think I missed anything.

Conflicted!

I am actually on a paintball team, so I noticed that there were a ton of glaring flaws with how they depicted the sport. Almost all of them could have been cleared up had they just taken the actors out to the range one for a day, then maybe followed it with some gun safety lessons.

Oh wait, this is Hollywood, and guns are magical things that don't require common sense. Over half the actors didn't have a full masks on...just goggles and a helmet.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Nineties movies

Oh, the nineties. I miss the nineties as much as I miss the eighties. It was an odd time; we had two Woodstocks that were so corporate that it would have made hippies roll in their graves if they weren't the ones running the show.

It was also the last decade where things took time. If you saw a movie in '91, you couldn't buy the copy of it till at LEAST '92 or see it on TV until late '92 early '93. Also there was a reason to own a movie because Netflix wasn't a thing. Seriously we had no idea what a Netflix was and how it would kill our productivity at home.

So many movies, so little time.

I remember seeing so many movies that are now considered classics: Wayne's World, Bill and Ted's Bogus Adventure, Ghost, two different Toy Stories, American Beauty, The Big Labowski, Titanic, Home Alone, Braveheart, and wow... I should stop listing movies now.

These are now all classics, and shaped culture. Heck, do you know how many cited Braveheart as historical fact? Guess what? Prima Nocta never happened. English nobles and land owners didn't actually do that to the Scottish, but if the legend is better you go with the legend. Look at Tang; people still think NASA invented it.

PUDDING POPS!!!

Ghost Dad was a thing that happened. I even saw it in the theaters. Fact: Cosby only starred in one movie because Ghost Dad was SO AMAZING.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: La Mission

"La Mission" follows a father and son working though their issues. The father, an ex-convict, has to deal with anger issues, and his son has to deal with understanding his homosexuality and his father. To say his father isn't quite understanding and accepting is an understatement.

A Father.

Through out the movie you can tell Che does love his son. He just can't come to grips with his son's sexuality. It is a cocktail problem: part religion, part fear for his son's safety, and a touch of homophobia from not understanding what it means to be gay. It doesn't help that he was in prison, one of the most macho environments outside of the military.

A Son.

Jes is a really strong character. The whole time he stands up for himself. It would have been easy to claim it was a phase or that it was something that could be prayed away. Even worse; it was a white boy... you don't surprise your dad with a white boy. You work them up to a white boy if you live in the hood. Instead he tries to explain it to his dad, and work out with him and pushes back against people as they try to bully him.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Kung Fu Fighter

Ahh K, sweet lady K. Today is KUNG FU Movie time with the aptly named "Kung Fu Fighter." I know what you're saying, a more generic name could not be found. "Kung Fu battle between two foes who don't seem to see eye to eye on an important issue so they have to fight with Kung Fu till the death or reasonably close!" was actually filmed the previous year. Now I love me some kung fu movies.  All you have to do is throw the words "kung fu" in a movie title, and most likely I will watch it.

Retro Vibe Including the Bad Over-Dub.

I actually think "What's Up Tiger Lily" had a better over dub than this movie and Woody Allen actually wrote a whole new script.  At first it was enduring but after a while is crossed into being annoying.  There was an entire scene where they did a dialog drop while the speaker didn't move his lips and had his tongue out the whole time. A good solid two minuets of spoken dialog without moving his lips.

A to Z Blogging Challenge Bonus: Jurassic Bark

In reply to: JURASSIC PARK

Tara,  I am not sure how you watched Season 4 Episode of Futurama in the 90s when it was aired in 2002, but how can you be happy thinking about it?  It is easily the saddest sitcom episode of any television show ever.  What kind of person are you, Tara?  Fry lost his dog Seymour, and the Seymour waited without any chance of Fry coming back.

Watch with your dog.

If you watch this hyper sad episode of Futurama be prepaired to cry and hug your dog.

You seriously don't have a dog!?

If you don't have a dog,  adopt one first at your local shelter.  I suggest naming your new dog Rex and teaching him or her an adorable trick for parties.  What ever you do though,  don't I repeat don't dress your dog up.  Rex seriously wouldn't like that.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

I did not expect to find this movie touching. Who ever roots for the rich son to not lose his summer house in the Hamptons? It sounds less plausible than Jello Biafia writing a dissertation on why commercialism is a good thing in music. Yet here we are; I enjoyed this movie.

The characters are lovable. Specially if you are at the same stage of life, they are all easy to relate to. I mean we all been in this situation. Not the sex orgy situation sick-o. I mean that awkward time trying to figure out what you want with your life. 

Although congrats on the, Orgy Mr or Mrs Interesting Reader,  please send in your stories as a guest post.  (I am sure Tara will approve of this.)

A to Z Blogging Challenge: Bubba Ho-Tep

Elvis is alive and the CIA changed JFK's skin color and they are both living in an old age home in the middle of nowhere. I thought this was a fiction; what's not to believe? This movie is COMPLETELY grounded in reality. Well, at least until they introduce a mummy named Bubba Ho-Tep. Everyone knows mummies aren't real.

All Joking Aside, This Explains Elvis.

Early in the movie, we find that the real Elvis got tired of being famous and decided to pass along the title.  Then the Elvis impersonator went over the edge and we had cray jump suit Elvis eating a sandwich that took an entire loaf of bread. Doesn't knowing this make you feel better? This is now the world I choose to live in.

A to Z Blogging Challenge: FDR: American Badass

Wait, what did I just see?! Did I just imagine that whole movie? There is no way that just happened.

Seriously, this movie happened, and if you love crass humor like I do, then you should watch it. This movie goes blue real quick.

A German Werewolf Outside of Paris.

The movie starts when a Nazi werewolf attacks Governor Franklin's hunting party. After the creature kills two people, FDR takes matters into his own hands with some good old fisticuffs. Then we find out werewolves are carriers for polio. (Glad we finally explained how FDR contracted polio.) Honestly, I am pretty sure this movie is historically accurate. At least I wish it was.

Historical Fiction + Monsters = AMAZING.

2012 AD gave birth to an amazing trend. Take a historical figure and have them fight monsters. I really hope 2013 continues this oddball trend. We got to see Abraham Lincoln fight zombies and vampires in two separate movies and now FDR in a tricked-out wheel chair killing werewolves.

REVIEW: "Dracula's Curse"

REVIEW: "Dracula's Curse" (2006)

This blog is part of the 2013 Precious Monsters Vampire Blog Hop (Valentine's Day, 2013).

NOT Recommended...

Wow, I am not sure what to say about this movie. It is so bad it became good again then went straight back to awful. Just everything about this movie is whole new level of suck. I am not a fan of Bram Stoker's novel but he should consider coming back from the grave and taking everyone involved with this movie out. I mean it King Tut has his curse, Bram should get something for this. All Tut had were some grave robbers. Nothing this bad.

First off, the acting is as hollow as you can get. Not one actor in the whole movie has inflection in their voice. They have normal and angry voices. It is like the actor/esses have never had a normal conversation in their lives. It is like they scoured the local high school for acting talent.

Then when it comes to the fight scenes, they are so robotic. Everyone moved like they had a hanger still in their coat. Just an amateur effort all around. Also, I got the feeling that Col Rufus (played by Thomas Downey) wanted to wink at the camera every time he fired a gun or landed a punch.

REVIEW: "Wrong Turn Two: Dead End"

REVIEW: "Wrong Turn Two: Dead End" (2007)

Not gonna lie,  I am watching this because I was to lazy to turn on Netflix and nothing is on TV.  The original "Wrong Turn" was too dark to see. Dark enough that is wasn't scary at all. They corrected that problem in this one: most of the movie takes place in the day, and the night scenes are light enough that you can actually see the movie.

Plus there is 100% more Henry Rollins in this one. True fact: Henry Rollins' body contains more awesome in it than the entire state of Utah. He has had to deal with this his whole life by producing awesome things lest he explode. This movie is surprisingly one of them.  

Let's paint the forest red!

The gore was pretty good for a straight-to-DVD movie. In fact, they did better than the previous movie that was meant for theaters. I also learned that when a person explodes it create more of a blood splatter than what was actually in the victim's body. Also, not everyone throws up when they find out they just ate their friend. (More on that later...)

Story, as in, there was one.

Well it was more of a premise really. But then again a premise is really all a slasher movie needs. When out filming a reality TV show, all mayhem breaks out when deformed cannibal hillbillies start raising havoc. How many times have you wished for this after flipping past "The Bachelor" or "Jersey Shore?" I don't even watch those shows and wish it would happen. 

Remember your roots

This movie was done as an homage to 80s horror movies. There are almost no noticeable CGI effects. Almost everything was a Karo blood and explosions. It even had the same kitsch that I remember from my childhood. 

I found myself screaming in my head, "why are you going in that cabin?!" or "WATCH OUT!" There were even three great references in the movie. The shows director was wearing a "Battle Royale" shirt and the cast was trying to survive in the woods. 

Review: Blitz

Review: "Blitz" (2011)

Directed by: Elliot Lester
Starring: Jason Statham, Paddy Considine, Aidan Gillen
Official movie website and trailer 

Synopsis: A ruthless killer is targeting cops. It takes an especially dangerous cop to catch the killer.

Reviewer: Jason
Status: Meh.

Jason Statham is actually 'The Most Interesting Man in the World' in the commercials. It took a lot of effort, but he built a time machine and came back to film them. Statham has been a model, Olympic diver, black market merchant, martial artist in multiple forms - and when he gets the time, he's an actor.

That's why I was sad to see "Blitz." Maybe my expectations were too high from movies like the "Transporter" series where Statham did all his own stunts. This movie was relatively boring.

When I watch a movie for this blog I usually have my laptop open or a piece of paper so I can take notes. This time, I only wrote one thing,  "Joker-Purple." The action is few and far in between and the plot was pretty easy to guess.  

"Joker-Purple"

The villain Barry Weiss reminded me a lot of The Joker. When we are introduced to him he isn't wearing a shirt and has a purple and blue track suit with toxic green sun glasses. Actually, a lot shots they did were reminiscent of how they shot the Joker in "The Dark Knight." Problem is, that is too lofty of a goal for even the best movie. Aidan Gillen doesn't fall flat as a villain, he is just no Ledger.